The Parenting Trenches

It has taken me a while to get around to this post. It is not an easy one to write because, like anything slightly contentious around parenting, I’m a little concerned about the reaction. My usual style isn’t necessarily that subtle and the following topic is primed for misunderstanding and offence.

That subject is the “Parenting Trenches”.

The seemingly unending and unyielding conflict between various groups of adults with (and sometimes without) children who find a myriad of reasons to snipe and attack each other. Of all the aspects of parenthood, whether sleeplessness nights or raising a toddler, nothing has got me as frayed as the indirect attacks on how we as parents are looking after our daughter.

See, even that last sentence I had to change. I had originally but “how I am looking after” yet felt the need to alter it to include Mrs G just in case it was misconstrued that I was the sole care provider, or a single dad attacking mum’s or a thousand other scenarios for unintended upset. It is a minefield.

The parenting trenches are the idea that you should never raise your head above the top unless you want to get shot at. The best way is to keep it down and now your place soldier. Do you want to say how fun weekend you had? If so then it is only fair that those who didn’t take aim and give it you with both barrels until you feel bad about your comment and no longer have shiny memories of that weekend.

One destroyed the job well done everyone, that will teach any upstarts to think that being a parent is easy. Remember there are no heroes in the trenches, just martyrs.

• Martyrs to freedom of time.
• Martyrs to having fun.
• Martyrs to a full nights sleep.

There are no medals given for valour, just Purple Hearts.

All along the front line there are these little skirmishes, but there are a number of battlegrounds where the casualties are greater. These are the ideological battles where there is little hope for dialogue as the language is toxic and seeps and burns all in its path.

• Breastfeeding v bottle.
• Cry it out.
• Stay at home mum’s v those who go to work.

Just those three topics can bring civil discourse to its knees. As parents we have been involved in all three, and according to the arguments on the “wrong side” for all.

Due to this we have been indirectly called Child Abusers a number of times.

If there is any slur worse for a parent I’m not sure I know of one. To be accused of abusing our child because we let them cry for five minutes, or made the choice to use a bottle once we realised breast-feeding wasn’t working, is horrendous. I do everything I can to ensure that my daughter is looked after and raised well but to then to have the galleries chattering away about how I am physically and emotionally damaging her is unbearable. It is also unacceptable.

I’m a veteran of the fight now, but it is even worse for new recruits to the front lines. Even as you wait for deployment you will be told of the horrors of parenthood. Happiest moment of you life? Don’t belive it, this is the end soldier. You are nothing any more, no life, no sleep, no time, no money, no identity. You are no longer required to reason why, your are now to do and die.

Once you man your post and become unsure of yourself don’t expect somebody to come round and place a reassuring hand on your shoulder. No, instead you will be shouted at and told to try harder because you are failing as a human being and as a parent. Can’t breastfeed because you are too stressed, then try harder because you are killing your child. You must provide for your child with things but don’t go out and earn money because you are killing your child.

The language used is incendiary, how can I tell you that my daughter has zero ill effects from being brought up with a bottle when I will be shouted down because antibodies. If we had breastfed, or never let her cry, do I get points? Can I use these points for other misdemeanours because often it feels like it is a one strike and I should be reported to social services. It is not right.

Nor does making us as parents feel like we can’t enjoy our children. I really dislike jealousy, I have been made to feel bad about going on holiday, having a nice car, buying stuff, eating well. I am lucky to be in the situation I am, I worked for it. It was not handed to me, so why shouldn’t I enjoy it?

Parenting is not a war, and least of all it shouldn’t be a fight amongst parents. The most comforting reassuring words I heard in the first few weeks were those telling me off all the struggles they had. I felt like I was a failure but knowing others weren’t as good made me feel better. Being told that I was doing everything wrong or abusing my child does not help me, and as a result does not help my daughter.

It doesn’t help anyone.